All music and lyrics copyright by David Collacott unless otherwise noted.
epistemological retardedness
words and music by David Collacott
what is right and what is wrong?
why did I write this stupid song?
expression is a privilege
turned by me into sacrilege
stupid me, stupid you
I think I'll go sniff some glue
don't enlighten me with the details
I'll just buy your frigging book retail
Is Tertullian full of shit?
can you really know, you're not infinite!
if your brain is so inadequate
then from where springs forth your confidence?
the principal of uncertainty
rules the world of you and me
if the truth is absolute
then you can kick my ass with a steel toed boot!
I sought the answers by pursuing
syllogistically formulated first-year philosophy courses
to capture the essence of knowledge
and other crap like that
I thought I learned the truth
but instead I found that there is no truth
knowledge is elusive like a good night's sleep
and that, my friend, is as elusive as can be
I don't know my problems, I just feel the pain
epistemologically I'm going insane
And your words they mean nothing, nothing to me
"I know because I know" is just not good enough
your unbounded recursion is a spurious/specious bluff
But I still want to get something, something for me
vacuum
words and music by David Collacott
not talking to you
don't talk to me
not volunteering my dependency
I've got a long way to go from you
wary of the past my intentions are grim
formulate a truce? the chances are slim
it will be a long time before I'm through
being alone is my euphoria
talking to no one is the way I tell ya
there's a whole world you will never see
(there's a whole world for you without me)
don't you feel that it's effective therapy
(don't you feel)
just like taking a walk through a vacuum
(can't you breathe)
the moment away will ease the pain
(like never before)
(I always want more)
but it never seems to last forever
it's hard for you to understand
that's why I'm here to take your hand
to lead you to where I've always called home
when you find yourself lost like me
it's hard to make much sense
my frequent retrospective
thoughts deject my benevolence
so what am I going to do?
what am I going to say?
where will I play?
these questions plague me everyday
so leave me by myself so I can answer them
all alone all alone
mediocre man
words and music by David Collacott
back... once again
to the middle, to the center of the scale
not quite fail the test
you're looking at me like I'm not that sharp
it's dull, yea to be, so
unremarkable you told me
face it you're just one more average joe
where's my gift? where's my present?
why's my message lacking content?
my brain is getting slower
while time is speeding faster
success and failure -- both are out of reach
mediocre like a hostless leech
I've covered half of all the bases
figured out half of everything
I'm half conscious in the waking world
always half ready to begin
pusillanimous and nothing to gain
from an indifferent focus I'm too restrained
to take things to another level
I'm stuck in limbo it's all in vain
you... you just laugh
at the prospect of me finding my edge
that... creates spite but filtered
generates propensity to
march... one more step
one more desperate attempt at finding
you... all so wrong
so completely wrong
half way there is the same as nothing
I guffaw at the thought of
re-establishing my outrageous
goal of conquering the world
I'm the mighty mediocre man
comfortably dumb
words and music by David Collacott
it's hopeless, and the world is gone
like a million times before
I still don't feel like I belong
in first place of the human race
and I don't really care
are you comfortable, and dumb like me?
do you understand life?
can you believe?
have you tried and given up?
or do you really care?
wow it's crazy what people learn today
to establish their career
or just to pass their day
why not just be blithely unaware?
I'm comfortable and I'm dumb
that's just the way I am
I might not change society
but so what -- life's just one big sham
(but hey, life's just one big sham)
Do you see the relevance?
or suffer from abject insouciance?
why not come and just be dumb with me?
Yeah.
did you hear about the conspiracy?
the government is after you and me
they wanna take away
our freedoms and our liberties
does look like I really care
if they install video cameras in my underwear
while secret service agents sit there and just stare?
I'm happy just to laugh and play
and pay my bills from day to day
ignore my future and reminders
of my certain death
'cuz I'm immortal 'til my final breath
I'm comfortably dumb
yeah yeah yeah!
spiritual stupidity
words and music by David Collacott
ending inspired by Eric Clapton's "Tears In Heaven"
I just don't get it
I just don't understand
I just don't get it
not able to apprehend
I just don't get it
do you see where I'm at?
I just don't get it
some intelligence I lack
you tell me to hear the voice
you're saying that it's my choice
it's easy, I'm made for this
just gotta take the leap into your abyss
it's time to overcome antagonism
and reject my syllogism
it's simply obvious for all to see
the truth will set me free
spiritual stupidity
I don't know what I cannot see but
now I know I might be blind
spiritual stupidity
I can't see what's in your mind
don't tell me you can see in mine
your words just make me more confused
the terms you use makes the perplexity more profuse
or maybe I'm just mentally abused
so many people 'round the world get it -- why can't I?
maybe I'm just missing my third eye
or 'cuz I don't know how to try
try, if you still have the energy, to force it in my brain
or whatever part of me can understand what you explain
eventually I hope I find my mistake
but this is getting really tiring for now
give me a break!
spiritual stupidity
lacking the capacity to
contemplate what's undefined
spiritual stupidity
my spirit simply went AWOL
so please come back another time
would you think I'm insane
if you saw me in Heaven?
I just might be insane
but I'm way too lazy to be crazy
yeah, I would not be the same in Heaven
I used to be a poseur
words and music by David Collacott
I used to be a poseur
I used to wanna be
a skater gangster rap MC
dressed up like a clown
just to go to school
everyone knew that I was just a fool
and now I've learnt my lesson well
that poseurs all go straight to Hell
I used to be a poseur but now I don't do shit
if you are just like me then stop trying 'cuz you'll never fit
the last thing that this world needs is another poseur
just like you
I wanna be a wigger
I wanna be Chinese
be something I'm not, with extra cheese
walk and talk like them
dress in clothes like them
sing at karaoke bars like them
now when the challenge calls me
I just go run and hide
'cuz I know who I am and anything else is poseur suicide
my identity is carved in stone
futureless future
words and music by David Collacott
Thinkin' of the future
it makes me feel sick
life ain't gettin' easier
dunno if I can handle it
gotta buy a cell phone
gotta buy a car
gotta pay the mortgage
and become a rock star
And all this time I'll work and toil
so I can work and toil
for the better of mankind
What is in my future?
doors of opportunity
but what is opportunity?
bullshit if you ask me
opportunity to kiss
senior executive ass
opporunity to work hard
and burn out fast
futureless future
all ahead of me
futureless future
there's really not much to see
futureless future
I can't wait 'till it's here
futureless future
I can't wait 'till it's gone
slow
words and music by David Collacott
There's something in my brain
that's slowing everything down
there's something in the air
that doesn't make a sound
it's dulling all my senses,
it's choking up my lungs
it's super fucking bordeom
and it's only just begun
Slow... today is fucking slow
Slow... today is fucking slow
Maybe it's me, the lethargy
I can't take this shit no more
The voices in my head
aren't talking to me
they're bored out of my skull
consistenly
if you got a moment
of your precious time
help me get me through this day,
make it go away
I feel so dead
words and music by David Collacott
inspired by that POD song
German lyrics stolen from Die Arzte's "Trick 17ms"
Shoot myself in the head
I'll wake up dead
instead of getting out of bed
I'll shoot me in the head
troubled eyes don't help
they're letting me not see
staring backwards into time
is the worst way to exceed
no...I can't have none of that
no...the pain won't go away
no...I must get up today
Dead
I feel so dead
for the millionth time
for the billionth time
and I think I can die
die Welt ist schlecht
alle hassen mich
Thong Song
original music and lyrics written by Sisqó
new arrangement by David Collacott
ooo da dress so scandalous
and i know anotha wigga couldn't handle it
see shakin dat thang like who da ish
with a look in yur eye so devilish
uh she like to dance at all the hip hop spots
then cruise through the crews like connect da dots
not just urban she likes the pop cause
she's livin la vida loca
She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
thighs like wha, wha, wha
baby move ya butt, butt, butt
i think i'll sing it again
she had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
thighs like wha, wha, wha
all night long, let me see that thong
i like it when da beat go [duh duh da duh]
i like it when ya butty go [duh duh da duh]
i kno you really wanna show [duh duh da duh]
that thong tha thong thong thong
i like it when tha beat go [duh duh da duh]
baby make ya booty go [duh duh da duh]
i kno u really wanna show [duh duh da duh]
that thong tha thong thong thong
another TV dinner
words and music by David Collacott
solo stolen from John William's "Godfather" theme
every day - I get home
fucking hungry - I can't cook
restaurants - rip me off
I need food - fucking quick
Hungry Man - not enough
fried chicken - fucking tough
no other - alternative
gotta eat this shit - if I wanna live
What's for dinner tonight?
What's easy to make?
What tastes like shit?
plastic wrap - take it off
food smells good - nice and hot
looks like shit - but who cares
I'm eating in - my underwear
don't need to - do the dishes
just watch more - television
cops is on - fucking A
Married... with Children - on at 8
What's good for you?
What's full of nutrients?
What looks like shit?
Hello Kitty
words and music by David Collacott
inspired by a certain line of Japanese products
Kitty, you're not the one to feel confused
Kitty, I'm nowhere close to being amused
Hello Kitty, Goodbye Kitty
It's a one night stand
Hello Kitty, Goodbye Kitty
Don't you understand?
when you're alone
you're all alone
indifferent to the bone
your brain is made of stone
Kitty, some of us are self-abused
Kitty, tell me what do I have to do?
To make you see the darker side of everything
someday you'll see that this all makes sense
it's all nonsense
Hello Kitty, Goodbye Kitty
It's a one night stand
Hello Kitty, Goodbye Kitty
Don't you understand?
It's not your fault
It's all my fault
the end result
Hello Kitty Goodbye Kitty
opportunities come and go
like hungry flies
Hello Kitty Goodbye Kitty
are you here for me?
it's not like that I'm surprised
when you're alone
you're all alone
indifferent to the bone
your brain is made of stone
Milky Way
words and music by David Collacott
I drove home late one night
it took me seven hours
I stopped to see the stars
those things are frigging far
I also got some gas
it was the dead of night
it's like the peace you find
when life is undefined
I drank some Mountain Dew
and coca-cola too
they help me stay awake
when I'm up this late
'cuz bedtime's 10 pm
but I don't wanna sleep
when I'm behind the wheel
the momentum's real
the world I knew was gone
when I was driving home that night
nothing but pitch black and the Milky Way
another hour
words and music by David Collacott
the clock is ticking nice and slow
I'd like to get out of here
and get home and just go to sleep
I should have slept more last night
maybe one more hour or perhaps
two would be perfect
hell I'd rather sleep my life away
so my dreams will come true
some say I sleep too much
some say I don't sleep enough
that just shows nobody knows what they're
talking about
but that's ok with me if they'd just
shut up and let me sleep
just another hour
just another hour
another hour
another hour
another hour of frigging sleep
another hour of sleep
takes your mind astray
to a world so far away
another hour of sleep
is another hour from this
stupid-ass life of pain
everyday I spend the whole day
hoping it will end, and my
brain is telling me that it's
gotta shut down
I feel like I'm sick but I
think it's simply symptoms of
being awake and that
life is fake
'cuz sleep is the
next best thing to death
it's peace on earth
and life at its best
my head feels heavy
my body feels weak
it feels like that I haven't
gotten any sleep
I feel like I'm sick but I
think it's simply symptoms of
being awake and that
life is fake
Motel Ontario
original music and lyrics written by the Eagles
new lyrics and arrangement by David Collacott
On the 401 highway, freezing wind in my hair
Rancid smell of cow manure and road kill in the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw the lights of T.O.
But that city's so fucking huge, didn't know where to go
I needed a place to rest, like some cheap motel
I found a dirty shack next to 7-11 that looked like Hell
Got myself a discount, with my student ID
The fat guy at the counter then said to me:
Enjoy your stay at the Motel Ontario
Such a humble place, at dirt cheap rates
There's always room at the Motel Ontario
We clean our rooms like twice a year
It's cheaper than Best Western
So I called room service cuz my TV's got snow
But the phone keeps ringing cuz the guy's so damn fucking slow
And still those voices, are yelling in the room next door
Why did I stay at this shithole, I just can't take it no more
Next thing I remember, I was ready to leave
But someone had broken into my car and stole my stereo and all of my weed
Fat guy in the office laughed and said this happens all of the time
And he smelled like that he hadn't showered since 1969
I got wheels
words and music by David Collacott
a yayee yayee yayeeeeeee!
Sunnyvale
winter 2000
I drove with style and
terrible speed
and let me tell you...
all this time I
found what was missing
in my road life
and I won't forget that...no
I got wheels
Geo Metro 1990
I got wheels
and it don't drive so well
and I'll burn my way to Hell
and it's got a nasty smell
and I'll speed away to Hell
that was then
and this is now
the car is long gone
to the junk yard
and let me tell you...
all this time I
found what was missing
in my road life
and I won't forget that...
someone kill me
words and music by David Collacott
Lying in bed at night
it feels like I'm in Heaven
thinking of whatever I like
this is the best in life
I'm losing consciousness
the feeling's euphoria
things can't get any better
than when I'm asleep
Did someone kill me in my sleep last night?
I don't know and I don't fucking care
did someone kill me in my sleep last night?
'Cuz I'm waking up, it feels like I'm in Hell yea.
When I'm alseep at night
things go the way I want them
this is the life that I am promised
in my waking hours
but soon the dream will end
perception disintegrates
I feel so fucking tired
and heavy, with lethargy
what was I wishing in my sleep last night?
I don't know but waking up's a nightmare
what was I wishing in my sleep last night?
maybe that the dream would never end
reverse
words and music by David Collacott
I'm looking
for a restaurant
from long ago
It's around here
somewhere on this street
but I don't know where to go
I think I passed it
just a couple of blocks behind
but there's no need to turn my car around because
I'm going in reverse yea
My life is in reverse yea
I'm going back down the hill again
sometimes I just don't even know why I try
sometimes I just don't even try
so now I've
spent all night
trying hard to rewind
I guess it's not a matter of effort
if you always read the signs
I thought that's what I did
but krappy is the day when I just
find myself in a deeper hole than before
Things are not the same
life has lost its flame
when all is done
time will speed away
and nothing will remain
The Winner Takes It All
original music and lyrics by ABBA
new lyrics and arrangement by David Collacott
I don't want to talk
About things we've gone through
You're so full of shit
You fucking make me sick
Winner takes all
fucking hotshot
loser, that's me
always will be
over the hills and up your ass
words and music by David Collacott
inspired by that Led Zeppelin song
I’ve been told,
I’ve yet to grow old
To make some real cash
and get fucked up the ass
But I know what I see,
I think you’ve gone crazy
Go hide away old man,
in the mountains if you can
All of the sudden I see it so clear,
my music still sucks, and I’m still drinking beer
My motions are connected in a transverse conic graph
and my evil self is losing to my mighty stupid half
Over the hills and up your ass
the system is unwinding fast
(Why can’t my modem download fast?)
Everyone you meet is pushed back into the distant past
Overloaded and underpaid, I thought you said you got it made
But that was so long ago when I wandered aimlessly in the snow
Gin and tonic tastes like hairspray,
snoring roommates are not ok
I bought a statue in the market today
but it fell apart ‘cuz it’s made of clay
I’m so rich I’ll buy the farm,
goat sodomy should do no harm
You say that I am all so wrong
but you're the one that don’t belong!
Over the hills and up your ass
Everyone’s got their own stash
I’d show the way for all to see
but I’m scared I’ll get whiplash
Go to that corner, and then walk past,
head down the road you’ll see at last,
the mountains and a lake nearby,
it’s over the hills and up your ass
feeding the dementia
words and music by David Collacott
just once, listen to me:
I'm saying you're pathetic,
and I'm going to regret it
take a break, I'm going away,
not going to stay a second more
I'll go ahead and stab myself
a sacrifice to release the guilt
a stupid price to payis to have you stay
yeah right, it's not what I wanna feel
yeah right, it's not what I wanna say
yeah right, it's not what I wanna do
yeah right, it's not what I want
and now it feels like I'm just feeding my dementia
and now it feels like I'm just playing your game
and now it feels like I'm just feeding your dementia
and now it feels like that it's all the same
improbable, unresolvable
unbelievable, but deceivable
it's not what I want to say
but I'll say it anyway
dirtbag
words and original music by Brad
new arrangement by David Collacott
it’s a little bit hard to understand
but i only wanna be a modern man
on the wire it couldn’t be nicer
just thinking about the one that got away
nobody wanna give my heart away
you could make your mind up it could take your time up
it seems you’ve mistaken me for someone who cares
i’m just a dirt bag under the weather and overrated
living underground taking it to the scene
making money not knowing what it means
i’m a liar set shit on fire
take your time talking down to all your friends
living with the little dogs and elephants
it’s hard to find it but i don’t mind it
hitching a ride with the bugs and the flies and i’m on my own
so long, my friend
words and music by David Collacott
I guess I'll see ya later
don't know when that's gonna be
I gotta fix my car, find a place to live
and I'm working late this week
we used to be best of friends but
who knows if we'll ever meet again
it's been a long time since life was free
when time just grew on trees
so long, my friend
we gotta go hang out again
sooner than later would be good
but it will be later than we ever should
as work gets busy and the bills pile up
cities grow bigger and you've had enough
of trying to stay in touch with those you love
you've finished school, where do you go?
where are the jobs? they're far from home
where are your friends? they've gone away
there's no time to delay
gotta hit the ground, running fast
leave behind your beloved past
your future will kick your ass
this time may be our last
so long, my friend
things used to be so much better
it's easy to forget the truth
that we let things slip away
but why does it even really matter?
it's just one more chapter
in this story that's one day going to end
so long, my friend
what happened to "friends to the end"?
I guess "responsibility" makes
friendships fade away
maybe MSN or AIM
or MySpace can track all your friends
but how effective is that time you spend?
so long, my friend...
I robot, you moron
words and music by David Collacott
I'm made of cold steel
following instructions
reducing complexity
damn me
Following you is my fate
replicating your mistakes
simply tell me what to do
damn you
why... do I do things prudently?
why... are you always in my face?
why... do we always make a mess
fucking shit can't take this shit no fucking more
I am a robot, I live my life in shame
You are a moron, so full of shit you're lame
together we can rule the world and destroy it
like so many other robots and morons before us
blunders are a part of me
I'll die from them eventually
I don't think before I act
I lack common sense of human beings
just like you, the moron fiend
acting like a smart ass on crack
whatever it takes
words and music by David Collacott
you won't understand
you can't comprehend
I want it so bad
to make it to the end
to start my new life
to bathe in wealth
and just to be with you
to have you all for myself all for myself
just tell me - what it takes
no more, no less, yeah
I want the truth - no, not the fakes
I'll take the shortcut if I can
whatever ever that it takes
I'll do it like a madman
and struggle 'till I can no longer stand
your feet won't take you very far
nor will your parents' car
you dream beyond the stars
oh what a crank dumbass thou art
but I am, sadly, just like you
I act so sharp but I'm just a fool
the truth is that I have no clue
hoping you will misconstrue
stay out of my delusion
stay away from my day dream
stay far from my reality
it's a story with no theme
you won't understand
you can't comprehend
I want it so bad
to make it, make it, to the end
dominatrix
words and music by David Collacott
your sister is a dominatrix
that's where I got these scars
your sister is a dominatrix
how do you think I survived this far?
when I first met your sister
I asked her out
and she said hell no
OK fine, let's go
funny how I was looking for pleasure
but instead I found lots of pain with no gain
I asked her what's wrong
and she said nothing
but nothing means something
and something means everything
and everything means that
I'm an asshole
for not reading her mind
being emotionally blind
I took her to the movies
I took her to the park
she slept all day
and then woke up after dark
I tried to talk romance
but she just wouldn't buy it
she said "do you like torture,
or at least wanna try it?"
little did I know
that she was not to be pissed off
little did I know
that I should have kept my hands off
you really should have warned me
that her idea of playing a game
is insane and full of pain